Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
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When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Hey! This isn’t my car!
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Realize this:
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
Catering service
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort