me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
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My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?