What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
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I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
#NoRestForTheWicked
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.