if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
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“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”