My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
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*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
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