That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
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My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep