I’m sure it’s fine.
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they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
absolutely not
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.