I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
You Might Also Like
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
This classic never gets old . . .
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.