To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
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The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
Doug is just Canadian for dog
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.