9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
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I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit