Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
You Might Also Like
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.