Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
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I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”