Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
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Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
🙅🏻
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…