People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
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I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
People buying plungers never look happy.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.