If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
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When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.