I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
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*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth