Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
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Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!