Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
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giddy up Office Depot
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Thanks to a fan for this one.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see