A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
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I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.