The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
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Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
started wrapping my pills in cheese
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?