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Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
I got soap in my shower beer again.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste