coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
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ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
Today’s Times
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
Omg 🤣
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree