{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
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a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.