My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
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“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom