stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
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villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Oh yeh? Explain this then
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.