Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
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[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
me, after any kind of buffet.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.