please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
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I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that