[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
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A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?