[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
You Might Also Like
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
🤣🤣
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!