I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
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People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.