i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
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friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.