After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
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Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
got so much cardio in today
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear