His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
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Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
get you a girl who
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.