PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
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(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂