why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
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Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
nice challenge
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
Very good! 👍😂
what the
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
(Jupiter –
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news