I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
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Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes