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Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.