PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
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I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-