Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
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friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days