Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
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When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no