Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
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do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.