(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
You Might Also Like
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.