My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
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Optional boss fight.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!