Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
You Might Also Like
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
Baking is just science you can eat.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is