I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
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Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.