What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
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my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
Livid.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
Is this a threat?
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala