1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
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What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]