[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
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In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs