Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
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Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
This is hilarious….
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance