I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
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[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”